BEEN BUSY?? (nope)

It’s been TWO AND A HALF MONTHS. I’m sorry. I’m sure I’m the only one. I keep being told to update this and I’m like, “WHYYYY?” because there is genuinely nothing useful happening in this corner of the internet. However, … Continue reading

Ugly Knitwear Tuesdays – Colin

IYURRR, I’m back. Unfortunately, the nature of this blog means that I can only really update when I get new stuff, or else just spam people with photos of myself gurning like I usually do (for more of that, add me on snapchat… or just spend two minutes in my company). As I am currently in *OVERDRAFT CITY* there isn’t a lot to report, but I’m fairly sure that I’ve got some shit in my wardrobe from 2006ish that’s probably coming back into fashion soon, so keep your eyes peeled.

 

Anyway, I HAVE got a new man in my life (not what you’re thinking. You’re probably not thinking it anyway, let’s be realistic here) courtesy of the Thames Valley Hospice shop menswear section. He’s called Colin.

 

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Oh, look! More oversized green knitwear! That I definitely needed! He was only a fiver though, so refrain from judging too much.

When I was younger I used to get pretty bad eczema. I’ve grown out of it mostly, but I’m still a delicate petal whose skin itches at the drop of a hat – or Pantene shampoo. We’ve even got one of those machines that puts salt in our water at home to stop my clothes itching me. High maintenance? Me? U WOT??? Anyway, there is a point to this. Colin is 100% wool which means he’s the itchiest little fucker on this planet.  It’s a good job he looks good with a shirt under him because a) shirts are the only thing I ever wear apparently, and b) they protect my baby skin, especially round the neck’ole.

Colin’s label says ‘Jacquard Paris’, which I haven’t been able to find much about on google because everything’s French, even though I have an A* in it at GCSE. Have I mentioned that before? Whilst drunk? At any given opportunity? In France, when speaking English?

Also, I bought a darker eyebrow pencil. You probably haven’t noticed. They were getting more severe by the day as it was. It’s only time before they start fighting to the death between my eyes.

HAVE A SUE-PER(kins) HALLOWEEN

I don’t, as a rule, like Halloween. This hatred has been bred in me by my mother for the past twenty three years. What I do like, however, is dressing up at any given opportunity. Not very much scares me (apart from crossing the road, unemployment and that new breed of spider that seems to be chewing the legs off innocent people), so I don’t necessarily reckon that you HAVE to be smothered in blood for the occasion (and THAT, my friends, is a sign of adulthood that I didn’t make a menstruation joke). I’m reclaiming the holiday and wearing something that represents someone who’s wicked, but in a good way.

 

As I have to go to work on actual hallow-fucking-een, and as far as I know we haven’t got a dress-up day tomorrow, I thought I’d keep it simple and wear something that I normally wear anyway, and add some finishing touches to it to turn myself into one of the most fabulous women on the planet. I may or may not be brandishing the spoon tomorrow, depending on what kind of mood I wake up in. It’s a Thursday, so it’ll probably be necessary.

 

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Have a glorious day, everyone.

 

(p.s. sorry Sue)

 

 

Ugly Knitwear Tuesdays – Boris

Obviously this says Tuesday and it’s posted on a Monday. I can’t do days of the week, apparently, so you’re getting a treat a day early. Enjoy.

 

I’m fairly certain there’s nothing more comforting in this world than a massive jumper, and for some reason I’m drawn to only the very ugliest. So, I’m going to showcase a piece of my revolting collection of knitwear once a week as the days get colder. I feel it’s my duty to showcase the very worst in my wardrobe.

Most jumpers I find in the men’s section because for some reason designers seem to think that women are more discerning than men when choosing their knitwear. NOT CORRECT ROUND HERE, I’M AFRAID.

Anyone who’s met me for more than about ten minutes will have met Boris before. I wear him everywhere. I’ve been known to wear him in bed. Because who WOULDN’T prefer an ugly jumper over sexy lingerie, eh? I bought Boris when I weighed quite a lot more, and he was quite big then. Now he’s probably a bit too big but I’m too attached to get rid of him so he ain’t going anywhere. I wore him to work last week, which was a bit of overkill and I had to tuck him into the back of my jeans so people wouldn’t think I was some oddly-shaped Studio Ghibli character.

I found him at a vintage fair in Norwich and I think he cost me about twelve quid. This is why I vastly prefer shopping charity rather than vintage – if he’d been in a charity shop he would have definitely been around six or seven quid at the most. He’s from C&A originally (another one of my mother’s favourite shops ever) and is 100% acrylic goodness which means I can’t try and shrink him by boiling him in the wash. Well, at least if I accidentally get knocked up (hahahahahahahaha DON’T WORRY. NO DANGER THERE) he’ll see me through right to the end.

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boris

As I was taking this picture my mother came upstairs, looked at me and said, “Can you not just shut your mouth in ONE photo?”

No, mother. I cannot.

Match of the Day

Yeah, no football here. Sorry. Though I am a bit of a keeper (also untrue, really. I’m a nightmare. Start running now).

ANYWAY, apologies. I have had a very busy week. And by busy, I mean there has been a lot of alcohol, both in Norwich and as a result of ‘free bar Thursday’ at work. I figured that no one would want to see me covered in beer and with my eyes pointing in twelve different directions (well, actually, there must be some kind of niche porn involved in there, mustn’t there?) so this has been somewhat quiet of late.

Anyhooooo, these are two things wot I have worn in the last week or so.

I bought Audrey sometime last year from a Sue Ryder shop (y’know when you have charities that you’re ALWAYS really happy to be able to support in some way? Sue Ryder’s one of them for me). She’s an Excel original, and I ain’t talking about spreadsheets. She’s a very dark blue and is too big for me really, but as ‘oversized’ is SUPER FASHIONABLE – or so everyone tells me – I shall use it to my advantage.

audrey

This is what happens when you try to take a picture in the dark whilst trying to avoid the stain of half an egg sandwich you dropped down your chest. Because THAT’S how you do adulthood, motherfuckers.

I paired Audrey with Gloria as they’re both deep in the issue of ‘blue or black? I HAVE NO IDEA’ and when put together they kind of remind me of a bit of fancy disco chic. It might just be Gloria’s velvet though. She’s originally from M&S and I love that in a gal. I like to imagine her going to Blackpool for a dirty weekend away with the girls. She drinks Echo Falls and she won’t eat meat that still looks like an animal.

gloria

Mmmmm, yes. The beauty that comes with trying to photograph velvet with an iPhone camera.

aud and glor

audrey and gloria

Quiffwatch is going out of control. I was a bit overenthusiastic with the volumising powder, and it shows. I didn’t think I looked like such a dumpy little shit when I wore this originally. It’s all right though, because whenever I wear Gloria I feel like a bit of a glamourous diva. Y’know, twirling around like a princess and then whacking myself on a wall. That kind of thing.

Vita cost me two quid and she’s probably not actually just been ripped off the body of someone who’s joined the afterlife, but was most probably donated by someone who didn’t think she was cool any more. Poor lassie. She’s actually originally from Primark (£2!), and I don’t normally buy second hand Primark stuff because my wardrobe’s full of it already and I have a tendency of destroying even the best made things. Vita was kind of cool, though, and I like her red stripe because it makes me feel like I am a type of beer. Also she has made powers of keeping my overly-rounded stomach squeezed in to make the free lunches at work seem like they are doing less damage to me.

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FUCKIN’ BEAUT, VITA. She’s genuinely very lovely.

Because I am like a four year old in terms of matching colours I have put her with cardie I found in Oxfam that cost me three quid. Miriam is an Oxfam find who comes originally from some kind of old-lady mail order knitwear company (Damart – I am THISCLOSE to buying a multipack of massive pants from them to keep me warm through the winter). I needed more cardigans because mine are all about ten years old, and thought she’d do nicely.

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OH MIRIAM, CHEER UP, LOVE. Come on.

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Good lass. That’s more like it.

Because I am the QUEEN OF MATCHING THINGS (I did this in the dark at about 7am. I’m so proud of myself) I put these two laydees together with a top I got from Zara back in the summer. It’s lush as fuck, and it’ll be starring in a hard-hitting documentary where I go to a Bonsai museum very soon.

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miriam and vita

I quite often look at these pictures and think ‘fucking hell, this looked better in person’ and I am trying to be more  *~* body confident *~* which doesn’t come easily to a lass like me. A few people told me I looked all right though, so that’ll do. The girls looked great with my brogues. But, let’s be honest, what doesn’t?

My new fashion accessory, or ‘how to trick people into thinking you’re not part robot’

Right, well, this has been an interesting week.

If you can spot any wires, they’re from a heart monitor I’m rocking at the moment. I haven’t quite turned it into a statement belt, but I’m working on it, slowly and surely. I needed something that’d be big enough to cover up my latest accessory that I’ve been carrying around with me. Fun fact: I’m allergic to the sticky pads used to keep it stuck on. So I’ve got bright red marks all over my tits. Come at me. So, in a haze of an accidental hangover (probably not a good idea on a work night, was it, Amy? The 1am Burger King probably didn’t do me any good either) I grabbed this lass out of my wardrobe as a cover up because I wasn’t entirely sure how massive the monitor would be. Rita was a Christmas present from my mum last year. She was oversized when I was three stone heavier. Now she’s positively MASSIVE. But it’s ok, I’ll take her as she is.

Rita pattern

So, how to rock this babe, you ask? Tucked in or flowing wild and free?

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Rita

Told you she was huge. She’s got a wacky button hole at the bottom which means she never stays done up and I end up exposing myself by accident. Some people never change, eh? Oh, and there’s a sneaky peek of some of my wires. A lady was staring at it on the Tube and I’m fairly convinced she thought it was some kind of dodgy explosive. Either that or she was staring at how vile I looked.

This morning someone told me I looked like Ginnifer Goodwin. Who is probably the most attractive woman on the planet. So naturally since then I’ve been walking around with an air of “don’t fuck with me I’m beautiful”. Today I wore an old skirt (originally Urban Outiftters… I bought it in the sale in 2010 so it’ll probably be deemed ‘vintage’ in a couple of years) which was too small for me for ages, and now it’s too big. Go figure. A safety pin later and it’s good to go. I picked up Evelyn at a hospice shop for three quid and I think she’s REEEEALLY pretty. Green is my number one colour in the world ever, and she’s got some dead beautiful detail on her neckline. She’s a Hammells original, which my mum claims is where she got her clothes from when she was a ‘young profesh’. GOD MOTHER, STOP CRAMPING MY STYLE. Because it’s cold and I am a fashion icon, I threw on a new jacket over the top. Velma is a loose tweedy type jacket who was crying out for attention in a Cancer Research shop for a fiver. I’ve only just discovered her pockets, after looking like I was feeling myself up on a train platform. Who’s to say I wasn’t? I haven’t decided if she’s a long term keeper or not – she’s a bit on the big side.

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evelyn and velma

Can I just say that if you’re doing a tilt table test, don’t wear a skirt? I ended up fainting whilst vertical (another interesting experience) and the doctor did that ‘shoving yer legs in the air’ thing once I was horizontal again. With me in a skirt. She got a great view of my pants, I’ll tell you that for free. Anyway, that’s why I look so horribly pale in this picture. I also look like a scruffbag. I’M TIRED, DON’T MESS WI’ ME.

Also I  was wearing some loafers today. They’re new and they’re from Marks and Spencers because they do good wide fit shoes. Having wide feet is the bane of my existence (aside from the Bakerloo line, my iPhone battery and always needing a piss). I’ll do a shoe porn post soon. It will be mainly brogues, to be fair.

Have a lovely weekend, everyone. I’m off up to Norwich on the Megabus to see my homeboys and homegirls.

eBabes

Does anyone else ever do that thing where they get ratted, go home and bid for stuff on eBay? C’mon, admit to it. Once I very nearly ended up spending an entire semester’s living expenses on a boar skin rug (it was a very funny inside joke with my housemates. It probably would have been less funny had I not been outbid at the last minute).  When I can’t be arsed to leave the house eBay is my spiritual home for cheap, questionable clothing. My favourite.

I found Dot (name’s obvious this time) at 3am earlier this year, and apparently she cost me £2.61. She’s definitely not a naturally sourced material and I can’t tell where she’s from. Probably an alien or something. Quite a pretty one at that, though. I like how her sleeves fall just short of my wrists so she’s good at not getting in the way. Sterling lass.

Dot

Last weekend when I was pretty much on bedrest (don’t even ask. It’s safe to say this week’s style will be ‘clothes wot work with a 48hr heart monitor’) I went on eBay in the heat of a wild madness. A few days later, Donna came through my letter box. I LOVE her. She’s originally a Debenhams Classics jacket, but now she’s ALL MINE. She’s a bit big but I quite like fact that I can wear ten jumpers under her so I don’t freeze my nips off whilst waiting for the train. Donna’s got mad pockets too, and the female Mark Corrigan loves a pocket she can fit everything in, so we’re all winners round here. She cost me £6.04 which is less than my lunch cost today (have no fear. It’s being paid for by work otherwise I’d be on gruel).

Donna

LOOK AT THOSE BUTTONS. AND THOSE LAPELS. I’m a bit worried about the amount of passion I’m developing for some of these laydees. I’m a very lonely person.

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donna and dot

I’ve got more flattering pictures of Donna, promise. She’ll definitely crop up some other time because she’s my new staple, but I’m running on 3 hours of sleep and the lighting’s crap because I come home in the daaAAaaaAaaaaAark now it’s winter. Ooh, and there’s Dot all on her own, holding the fort up. I’ve teamed her up with a necklace I got at a big jumble sale (I’ll do a jewellery post at some point, promise) and jeggings because they were at the top of the pile and I couldn’t be bothered to find anything else to wear.  One side of my hair’s got a mind of its own today. If this quiff gets any bigger they’ll put me in One Direction.

Diana, Princess of Details

There’s a Barnardo’s near where I live and everything is 99p. Ninety. Nine. Pence. It might well be my g-spot. I picked up a few things there, including my new favourite skirt, which is covered in beer after I went for a drink after work on Friday, so that’ll have to wait.

Anyway, let me introduce you to Diana.

She’s called ‘Classics’ which means she started her life on the mean aisles of a Debenhams until she found her way onto my bosom. If you can’t pick it up from the terrible quality iphone pictures, she’s a beautiful slatey blue/grey colour. What a stunning lass.

Diana

LOOK AT THAT DETAIL ROUND THE BUTTONS. I’m so turned on right now.

Anyway, I’ve been wearing her with some high-waisted “jeggings” (Lord have mercy on my soul, they were flattering and cheap and I didn’t see the label) and Marietta. Anyone who’s been in my house will know that the colour scheme of this outfit is pretty much the same as in my hallway, because I am not very inventive.

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diana and marietta

Apparently I looked like The Doctor in my last post. I have a feeling the comparison will only get worse in this one. I’m not sorry.

Just in case you were wondering, the glasses are not ‘geek chic’. They’re varifocals. I can’t have small lenses. Welcome to my world where everything’s a joke.

Linda and her Mates

Linda’s this beautiful dress originally from Etam. I’m going away somewhere warm over Christmas so she’ll be a treat to wear then. She’s a BIT tight round my middle, or I’m a bit chunky for my own good (probably the latter, let’s be realistic here) but fits like a dream round my boobs. And she’s a cheap lady, too! She only set me back four quid. What a dreamboat.

Linda

I’ve chucked her together with a belt and this beeeeautiful jacket I picked up from a chazza shop a month or so ago. I’ve been calling it my Marbz jacket because the make is Marella (which retail for a couple of hundred quid normally and I picked up for £15) and obviously my mind jumped to my favourite place on earth. I think I’ll name her Marietta ’cause she’s Italian and she’s cute.

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Just thrown on some trusty black tights (120 denier Primarni specials) and an old brown belt round the middle. And some vile pictures, for your viewing pleasure… photo (2)

Linda and Marietta

Oh, and a picture of Linda and a cardie I picked up at the same shop as Marietta a few weeks ago. I think she cost me something wild like £2.50, and I’m fairly sure that she was meant to be a school cardigan, but she was just the right colour and ridiculously warm, so I’m a fan. I’m on the hunt for some gold buttons and I think I’m going to customise her a bit when I get hold of some I like. Anyway, she’s Ann, because I’m currently watching Parks and Rec as I type this up and I love Rashida Jones. photo (4)

Linda and Ann

(I have not superimposed myself onto anything. This is merely the temperamental nature of the iPhone camera) I’ve got some more exciting stuff coming up, but my hair’s turning into a mullet so I’m going to go and have to sort it out with some scissors.

So, that’s it, folks. Linda’s now chilling on my floordrobe because I’ve worn myself out putting clothes on and I can’t possibly move any more.